Catch up on life

It's been a long time since I last posted!! Life has been going pretty well...it's definitely been busy since the beginning of April.

I moved out of my apartment and in with my boyfriend around April 10th. It was a move that was the result of some extenuating circumstances with my previous living arrangement. Nevertheless, it has been a good move in a lot of ways.

That same week I moved out, I quit my job as a secretary for a title insurance agency and decided to work my Mary Kay business full time. I was and still am really excited about the opportunities and potential that open up because of this decision. At the same time, it's a bigger challenge than I ever anticipated, being my own boss....FULL TIME. :) More apparent than ever is my need to work on building the skill of discipline. Patrick gets so frustrated with me when I hit snooze or just sleep an extra hour. It's a source of frustration in our relationship, so I'm trying to convince myself to do better. I Looooooove to sleep. Loooooooove. He's looked at a bunch of unique alarm clocks online, to try to get me to become more alert and awake when the unfortunate hour of awakening arrives. At least he knows that he'll get knocked out if he tries the spray bottle method. My mom did that when I was in elementary school, and boy did it piss me off!!!! :-} One thing that helps me keep going throughout the day is a quote I posted above my desk by Gloria Mayfield-Banks, "You're not tired, You're BROKE!!" Boy does that keep me moving!

I'm grateful that I've found Patrick...he is so supportive of me reaching my dreams. It's amazing. Yes, I am indeed a lucky girl!

"Good People"

My friend Melanie refers to anyone that has a genuine heart, compassionate spirit, and an honest soul as "Good People." It's kind of funny, because she'll be talking about a person in particular and she'll say "He's 'Good People.'" She grew up in Germany, so you can't give her any shit about her grammar...besides that, she'll just flat out kick your butt!

I've had the good fortune of running into several "Good People" in my life. In general, I believe in the goodness of humanity, but not everyone strikes me as a genuinely remarkable energy-giving philanthropist. When they do strike me that way, it's like the stars align, the heavens are opened, energy is vibrating at high levels, and the silence is more profound than any words. It's a connection between two people that is enlightening and so refreshing. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm floating an inch above my chair. :) (By the way, I AM half-hippie...duh.)

I think the biggest characteristic that these people share is their unconditional openness and love. They all have tremendous faith and hope in the growth and betterment of the world.

Mike, Sarah, Suzanne, Patrick, Lynne, Katie, Troy, Tambra...you all are just a handful of the "Good People" that have blessed my life in some way. I appreciate you and the example you have been to me!

Quote of the Day

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Alison & Patrick's AZ Road Trip

We stopped on the Reservation in Arizona to take some pictures. Patrick is so cute with his camera. So, being the dork that I am, I took pictures of him looking for the right picture and using his camera.

By the way, he just got a camera at DI that was $15. It came with some nice lenses, a killer camera bag/fanny pack, and it all works!!! What a deal!

The sandstone we were walking around on wasn't too nice to Patrick. He stepped on a ledge that turned out to be a thin layer of sandstone, and it caved in. His toe either scraped the ground or got mashed by the sandstone, and right after it happened, he didn't think it was too big of a deal. Well a minute later, his sandle was covered with blood. That makes for a difficult walk back up a rocky hill to the car! :)

When we were doctoring it up, Patrick was sitting in the driver's seat of my car, with his feet outside of the car, hunched over to rinse out the rocks. I was hunched down next to him, pulling supplies out of my ghetto little FirstAid Kit. A guy pulled up next to us to make sure we were okay...he thought since the "driver" was hunched over, maybe he passed out or was having a heart attack or something. It was cute...I love Good Samaritans!

On our way back to Utah, we stopped at a rest stop on 89-A, I think. The sun was setting just then and it was sooooo pretty. My camera doesn't do it any justice. :)
Patrick is cute. He's hairier than any guy I've ever dated...look at that beard!!!...but he's also sweeter and more sincere than any guy I have ever dated. Lucky me!

And here we are...a couple of goofballs, hamming it up for the camera.

Dear Alison

Dear Alison,

I just wanted to write you a letter to tell you how great you are. I don't get to tell you these things often enough, and since I thought of you today I better follow through and do it!

First of all, and probably most important of all, I want to let you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for judging yourself and hanging on to unnecessary guilt. I know that deep down in your soul, you are a confident, happy, and peaceful woman. I hope you take the time to consider how you can get in touch with that woman again...and do it! I honestly don't know a better person than the woman you are meant to be. So, be at peace, petition the angels for the desires of your heart, believe in yourself, and act confidently.

Second of all, I am so proud of you for keeping your chin up with Mary Kay. That woman that keeps telling you how amazing you were your first month of Mary Kay sees so much greatness in you, and she hardly even knows you!!! Be grateful that you were placed in that position at that time by God's angels. There is nothing greater in this life than blessing others. Now it is your turn to allow others to bless you, to be your example and inspiration. Make sure you take every opportunity to praise them and let them know how powerful their example is to you!!

Your goal of being a Director by June 30th is an honorable, exciting, and attainable goal!!!! Remember how your dad told you that you've got to keep your momentum and know that there will be people saying yes, people saying no, people "icking" on your "WOW", and die hard supporters. No matter what happens, keep on loving the people you are blessed to work with, and just keeping progressing. Momentum is everything right now! :)

You are a natural born leader. Unquestionably so, as a matter of fact. Embrace this. Toss all fears aside, and embrace your unique ability to understand people. There are women out there who are waiting for you to touch their lives.

I commend you for your affirmation that you will be with a companion who blesses your life in countless ways. Keep believing that, honey, because you deserve nothing less. You've got a good lead for that part already, so don't take him for granted. Cultivate that relationship and see where it leads. Be generous with your love and support and you well get the same in return. Forgive quickly. Communicate openly and honestly. Envision the relationship you want, ask for it, and work towards it.

You are such a powerful woman, Alison. You truly have been blessed. Keep strengthening your faith...I am excited to see how the next few months unfold, as well as the rest of your beautiful life. Tell your parents hi for me. They are good people in the most profound meaning of the simple word "good."

Love ya, kiddo!!!

Your Self

Stained Glass

Here's what part of my horoscope said today:

Like a stained-glass window in a Gothic cathedral, the many colors and components of who you are right now have combined to create something quite breathtaking. You are completing a growth phase; you're moving away from confusion and toward clarity and simplicity. Whether you realize it or not, you have created a strong personal philosophy that is informing your choices. Congratulations on your progress. Do not fear memories of what you've been through.

I love it.

Quote for the Day

"Everyone wants to be

appreciated. So if you

appreciate someone,

don't keep it a secret."

~Mary Kay Ash

The Red Road

Here's what I found on The Red Road..I'm still looking for a clean cut explanation or description of this part of Native American lore...

The Red Road is a way of being and living in the world where we are connected to all things in creation. On this path we live with integrity, honor, confidence, compassion and respect. Walking the Red Road is a life long journey …ever learning…ever growing…ever evolving. The quest: to live in balance with all that is.
Sandy Range, (SC Cherokee). www.redroadcoach.com

According to Native American tradition, walking the Red Road is a metaphor for living within the Creator’s rules—a life of truth, friendship, respect, spirituality, and humanitarianism. For centuries, Native American elders, parents, teachers, and spiritual leaders have handed down their wisdom and values from generation to generation, leading others down the path of self-discovery and enlightenment.
Terri Jean “365 Days of Walking the Red Road.”

"One may be of any race or of almost any religion and walk the Red Road… Its full meaning is the way one acts, the methods one uses, and what directs one's doing. It is behavior, attitude, a way of living, a way of "doing" with reverence - of walking strong yet softly, so as not to harm or disturb other life." --
John Redtail Freesoul (Cheyenne-Arapahoe), http://www.proaxis.com/~bakerb/path.html

When I worked for Walkabout, now called Outback Therapeutic Expeditions, I had a little bit of exposure to the legend of The Red Road. It was one of the most memorable and cherished weeks I spent hiking and living with teenage boys, counseling them every day, putting my blood, sweat, and tears into their personal progression and emotional growth. Just thinking about that week right now almost brings me to tears.

Our group consisted of about 9 boys and 3 staff, including me. We had spent an entire day hiking only 10 miles to our campsite. The multiple "break-throughs" the boys were experiencing during the hike made for a very long day. It was early in the morning when we finally arrived at the site.

The next day, the Field Director came out to visit our group. We had decided we wanted to build a sweat lodge and have that experience with these boys. Before any construction began, the Field Director gathered us together and held a brief ceremony. He talked about the Red Road.

He shared with us what it meant to walk on the Red Road...to walk with honor and integrity, even with your enemies...honoring yourelf and your family and heritage through honoring all things that surround you... While he shared this with us, captivating every single boy in the story of being a man, warrior, and peacemaker on the Red Road, he pulled out a bowl made from a gourd and a small wooden vile. He gently poured red ochre into the bowl and put a few drops of water on top of the powder. As he finished the story, he mixed the powder and the water with his finger and one at a time asked each boy if they would walk the Red Road. As they answered a confident yes, he painted a red strip over their right eye, forehead to cheek.

The boys were absolutely captivated by the experience. I have never seen a group work together so productively to reach a group goal...building the sweat lodge, gathering the right rocks, and gathering a TON of wood. It was remarkable.

That night the boys and the male staff had a sweat that I'm sure they all still remember to this day. I love those boys...I still think about them and wonder what fabulous accomplishments and profound growth they have experienced in their young lives. I wish them the very best...

What is life?

I was looking up the Red Road online to find out more about this part of Native American culture, and I came across some really great quotes. I loved this one:

"What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."

~Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Failing Successfully

Last night I had a really good conversation with my Mary Kay Director, Amy. She asked me, "Have you learned a lot this month?" For some reason the question caught me off guard a little bit, and I quickly responded, "Yes," though I wasn't entirely sure what she meant. Then she explained a little bit... Prior to this point in my Mary Kay career, I haven't had a whole lot going on. Just sporatic appointments scheduled and a few reorders from current customers. Now that I have been putting in the effort consistently for the last month or two and have more going on, it's easier to see what I need to adjust to be more successful. So now I need to make the adjustments and see how that affects my success.

I am grateful that I'm not feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of getting the momentum built back up in my business. I told Amy that in looking back at the last month or two, I can see that I'm working harder and more consistently than I ever have, and I'm not seeing the success I dream of...yet. But regardless of that frustration, I know that being consistent and persevering will bring me that success. Now is the time for fine tuning. People who cancel, don't show, or need to reschedule are teaching me how to be a better business woman...how to let my customers know that I care about them and want to meet their needs... cosmetically, as a friend, and as a dreamer of bigger and greater experiences.

Here's a quote I read today on a website I enjoy:

"The greatest achievements of all time are built upon multiple failures. The greatest achievers are those who are willing to experience failure on their way to the success they know will most certainly come." ~Ralph Marston

I think the key to failing successfully is the last part of that quote..."on their way to the success they know will most certainly come." You've got to believe it, see it, think it, and dream it, and it will come to be. You might fall down on the way, but because you have that vision and believe it, you're going to get up and learn from the fall, becoming a greater, stronger, and wiser person.

Life is great. I don't know what's up with all these positive posts lately...it's not as interesting, but what can I say??? Life is just that damn good! :)

Sick again

My throat is unhappy again. :) I add the smiley face because it's almost to the point of ridiculously funny how often I've been getting sick. My glands in my throat are totally swollen, and tender to the touch. If I look up, you can see the puffiness of my glands, bulging out of my throat. It's awesome. :) So, I'm trying to doctor myself...using my Theives essential oil, drinking lots of herbal tea and water, getting 7 hours of sleep each night, and thinking happy healthy thoughts. I think I could sleep for 15 hours straight right now...mmm...that would be soooo nice!

I wish that was me in that picture. That's what heaven is going to be like!! ;)

It's not true...accept it and move on

Something I think I knew, but now I know it's true...nearly all the time:

So when you're in a relationship and the other person tells you they just aren't ready for a committed relationship, that's not really true. Fact of the matter is that they just haven't met someone that rocks their entire world. As soon as they do, regardless of how "ready" they think they are, it'll happen.

This recently happened to me where the guy just didn't want to be in a committed relationship, and funny enough, now I'm currently in that position.

Damn it all. :)

March is going to be amazing!

I've set a HUGE goal for the month of March... I'm going to meet 75 NEW women (and men if that works out) and give them a facial with a microderm abrasion treatment (awesome!), personalized Robert Jones color makeover, and/or relaxing spa treatment.

I am SOOOO excited about this goal, because it's going to be a really big challenge. Nothing worthwhile comes easily, though. And I'm learning to acknowledge that I have really big dreams, and that I need to keep my focus on those dreams. If I shortchange myself and settle for my present circumstances, I'll never know how far I can reach.

So, wish me luck!!! Send out positive vibes to the universe that the women I call to set up appointments will be thrilled to receive these free services, like the product, and refer me to their friends. The relationships built through this business are the best! :)

It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.

Arnold Toynbee


If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

Robert Fritz

The Secret

I watched The Secret online with my roommate last night, and it was awesome!!! I had heard about it back in October from an old boss. All kinds of things were going wrong in my life; struggles with my divorce, I got rear-ended in my car, health problems, financial problems, needed to find new living arrangements, guy/dating frustrations, etc. My boss just shook her head at me and said, "You need to watch The Secret...it's all about the Law of Attraction. You need it!"

I had put her advice off... I'd get to it at some point. Then a month ago, at a Mary Kay meeting, my director mentioned The Secret. A few days after that, a friend asked me if I had seen it. There were too many messages being sent that I should watch it to keep putting it off. So we watched it.

I took some notes during the video, because for me, thoughts become more meaningful and more real if I write them down. There were several messages throughout the presentation that sent chills down my spine or made me smile contently.

I HIGHLY recommend to anyone spending 90 minutes and $4.95 to watch The Secret online. It will lift you up and empower you to a new level of greatness!!

You are Eternal Light.

I love my job

I wish I could post a picture of me right now... Puffy eyes, a little bit of mascara under my eyes, wrinkled sweater, hair messed up in the back. It would be nice if I looked like this because of a really good looking guy, but no. I look like this because I took a 2 1/2 hour NAP during my lunch break. I went home just to get a 30 minute snooze, and felt like an idiot when I woke up an extra 2 hours later. It sure felt good, though.

So when I got back to work, Emilee was sure to give me shit almost immediately. She thought it was hilarious I fell asleep for so long, and apparently the other girls did too. She said Kristina asked her, "Umm...so should we make fun of her?" Emilee naturally said, "YES!" I love this place. Well deserved harassment is always given freely here.

Side note...some guy just came into the office, looking all sharp in a suit. I asked him how he was doing, and he actually said, "Pretty chipper." Really?...chipper? That makes me think of a bird or an extremely sheltered schoolboy who also calls liars "fibbers" but pronounces it fee-ba with an English accent. Wow...

Write this in your journal....I was productive!!!

I had a really great weekend... A typical weekend for me consists of staying up too late, spending too much money, sleeping through at least half the day, not getting anything done, and having that sinking feeling in my stomach that I'll be back at work Monday morning. This weekend was different, though.

Saturday morning I held my first Mary Kay class in a loooong time, like 6 months. I had 3 guests. It was really good to get back in the saddle. I love watching people try the product and seeing the look on their face when they realize how much they like it! :)

Saturday night I saw Pan's Labyrinth with a date. The movie was excellent. I didn't know ahead of time that it was all English subtitles, but after a few minutes my eyes got used to reading the words and taking in the full screen. It was a great movie...highly recommended by me!!

Sunday I finally got some organizing done. I got several boxes moved from my bedroom into my storage unit, put up curtains in my bedroom (very pretty), and started organizing my Mary Kay office. On top of all of that, I got 5 loads of laundry done and watched 2 1/2 movies. I thought Employee of the Month was going to be an incredibly stupid movie, but it was pretty funny. I still think Jessica Simpson is ...... I don't even know..... A disappointment.

So, unlike my typical weekends, I was pretty productive. My room is slowly taking shape, and it feels good to feel at home somewhere. It's been a long time since I've felt that way.

Dang Crotch

I have a UTI and a yeast infection. Go me!!! (Shaking my head...)

I am going to attract good health, positive attitude, and success into my life!!! :) I will have a healthy body again!

Ho hum

I don't really have much to say right now. I'm just hanging out at work, watching the clock slowly approach 5pm.

I've been thinking about who might read my blog. There's a lot of stuff I want to put on here, but there's stuff I don't necessarily want some people to read. For instance, if I were to put something on here about how I have dates with 4 different guys in the next week, if one of those guys saw that, he might get a little butt hurt. Then again, if he did, he might not be a guy I want to spend time with anyway. :)

Another example...I can't really write about much of my extracurricular experiences, trials, frustrations, comedies, etc. the way I would like to, because my step-daughter, mom, brothers, etc. might read about it. I get all kinds of hell from my mom... just thinking about getting a phone call, instant message, or email about a topic in my blog makes me "tired."

So, this tells me a couple things:

• I care too much what other people think...I'm letting their opinions affect who I portray myself to be, and that's not entirely healthy.
• If I can't be totally open and honest and blunt about myself, is there something I need to change so I feel that I can be that way?
• I need to figure out who I am AND who I want to be.
• I need to come to terms with who I've been, where I've been, and how that has shaped me. I can't change the past, and therefore need to learn from it, not be ashamed of it or try to hide it.
• I know some people say not to glorify the past or tell "war stories" that glorify bad behavior or horrible experiences, but hell, if I learned something profound from an experience, there may be a chance that someone else might learn something from my sharing of it. And it's therapeutic to get stuff written down.

This is going to take some work...

43 Things...Finding True Love

I’m thinking about giving up on this goal, even though I just set it (#9 on My 43 Things...Shown to the lower right)… I don’t want to search to find the love of my life. I want to live my life, and I want him to live his life in such a way that our paths cross…and at that intersection experience such a powerful and undeniable impact between our souls, colliding in a way that will bind us together forever.

So, searching…nah.

Living, experiencing, and meeting because it was meant to be, and we both were ready…definitely.

One of my goals...Go to South America

Not only do I want to go to South America, I want to go somewhere cool, where not many people have been. I’ve been thinking about going to the Inca Trail in Peru. I could do a 4 day hike or a 4 day hike with horses (I guess that means you hike until you puss out or the uphill becomes hell.) There’s a website I’ve visited that has information on where to stay and what to do. www.salcantay.com

My roommate and I have been talking about getting into shape…Maybe I could convince her to set a date to do this with me and have it be a goal to get into shape so we can do the hiking. I’ve hiked the Grand Canyon 6 times and Havasupai twice, and haven’t used mules or horses for any of those hikes. It sounds kind of nice, though. I’ll do the hiking if the horse carries my gear. :)
One thing I need to do to be able to do this is get a passport…guess that’s a new addition to my 43 Things list!

Pickin' up the old ringer....

After Todd and I separated in July, my Mary Kay business became completely neglected. I had a horrible attitude and zero desire to do anything. Occasionally I would make some calls, but I wouln't ever follow up on the calls and get people to come to classes. It was hard to lose that momentum, because I kicked some major ASS the first month and a half of doing Mary Kay. I signed up in May and by the end of June, I had 8 active team members, 5 of which were qualified. I had half of my car production done, and had I kept up with that momentum, I would be driving a free Pontiac Vibe right now, making a nice chunk of extra change.

Rather than beat myself up for life happening, I'm very excited to announce that last night was my first night of really getting back into the swing of things. I spent almost 2 hours on the phone, calling women I had worked with and known personally. I only got through 18 calls or so, because it's been a while since I last talked to some of these people. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing, what I was up to, the status of my divorce, etc. Everyone who answered their phone booked with me to come to a class!!! 3 people committed to bringing at least 2 other friends to make it an official class. The other 2 people will get a call from me tonight, encouraging them to turn it into a class. Hosting a class=free product or great discounts, after all. :)

It really felt good to be working the business again. This week I am swearing off guys and actually scheduling time to do some Income Producing Activities. And it feels good. It's about damn time I started taking care of me! ;)

Pain!!!

My kidneys are PISSED at me today!!! I thought it was my lower back out of alignment yesterday, but this morning I woke up and the left side is incredibly uncomfortable. It feels like really bad menstrual cramps focused right in the left side of my lower back. Today I am drinking some cranberry juice and then water, water, water. No soda!!! Sometimes I think my body must hate me.

Let it go...

I've been tossing around a lot of thoughts lately regarding my relationship with myself.

I have a fairly easy time dealing with other people, even people that I know who really don't like me. I recognize that this is their issue, not mine. Even my ex-husband, who can be the world's biggest ass, will not have the privilege of corroding my heart with any grudges. I choose to let it go.

When it comes to myself, however, I have a horrible time forgiving. I went to a training/seminar on Saturday, and got some good ideas on forgiving, though this wasn't the topic for the seminar. The presenter is a very successful personal coach...Mr. Duncan. One of the ideas he gave us was to make a list before you go to bed of the things you need to forgive yourself for...

...not calling a friend that came to mind throughout the day, not getting to bed when you had planned, swearing at another driver who was going too slow, smoking too many cigarettes, not returning your mom's call, putting off mailing a package, thinking you're too fat, forgetting to acknowledge God, etc.

There are so many more that are too personal for me to put on this blog. After writing all of these things down, saying out loud, with your hand on your chest, "I forgive you." It sounds a little bit too good to be true, but I think the simplicity of it poses the possibility of profound impact.

When I was younger, my mom had a dear friend who was struggling with really serious alcohol and drug addictions. When her friend's husband would look at his drunken wife with disgust, my mom would help her into the shower and get her cleaned up. My mom is a remarkable woman. I wish I felt I could trust her to help get me "cleaned up" sometimes...no one wants to disappoint their mom, though. Anyway, my mom would make her friend look in a mirror and say out loud, "I love you. You are a beautiful daughter of God, and I love you." Every so often my mom would have me do this too. I thought it was somewhat ridiculous when I was younger, but I'm glad she did it.

Just over 5 years ago, a man raped me. It was after a softball game in Phoenix. I was 22, and he was 29. The age difference doesn't seem like much, but in my opinion, there is a huge difference in life experience between 22 and 29. After the game, we went to a bar to have some drinks. This guy (I'll call him Jason, since I've never had a good relationship with a Jason) was our next-door neighbor and had actually come to watch my roommate play softball, but as he walked down the 3rd base fence line, I could see him eyeing me. Girls can tell what a guy is thinking when he looks at her. And I knew lustful eyes were looking at me. So, at the bar, Jason was flirting with my roommate, and she was being a little too coy to keep his attention. We bought a pitcher of beer and split it between a few of us girls on the team. Jason wasn't drinking, and when we asked him why not, he said beer made his stomach hurt. He proceeded to buy us a few more pitchers. When I drink, I get way too friendly, and since my friend wasn't responding to his efforts, he quite naturally turned his focus to me.

A few hours later, I had pissed off my friend enough by flirting with this guy (kisses, crotch grabbing, etc. ... pretty blatant flirting) that she told him to take me home. (I'm half-pissed at her for sending me home drunk with this guy.) Mind you, he's still stone ass sober, and I'm practically falling all over myself, shit-faced drunk. So I walk out to his truck with him and tell him I want to go 4-wheeling. He starts driving north, and at this point, I lose my awareness of what is going on. All I remember is the truck being pulled over, laying on the seat, and Jason going down on me then saying we should go back to his place. The next thing I remember is walking into his house (where he lived with his mom) very quietly so we wouldn't wake her up. Then I remember going to the bathroom and holding my head in my hands, feeling like shit. I vaguely remember getting into his bed, and the rest is a mystery to me.

When we woke up in the morning, I was naked and in one of those states of confusion...where the hell am I?? What happened last night? He got ready for work and we walked out to his truck so he could take me back to my car. The worst part of the morning was that his mom waited for us to walk out before she would go to work so she could come out and see this girl her boy brought home. I was so embarrassed. He took me to my car, and I went home, feeling dazed, confused, and extremely hung over.

Later that day I realized I had left my Drivers License in his truck, so I called to find out when I could get that from him. During our conversation I asked him what had happened the night before. He laughed at me like that was the stupidest question a person could ever ask and said, "You know what happened." Feeling a little foolish, I said, "No, I don't. I'd appreciate you telling me, because I don't remember." He proceeded to tell me that when we were driving in his truck I had given him a blow job, then he pulled over so he could go down on me. He said that when we went back to his place we started to fool around and I kept yelling "fuck me!!" over and over. He said I begged him to do me in the ass but he didn't feel like it. When I mentioned that I was completely drunk and he was completely sober and that it didn't seem right to me, he said, "What? You think I fucking raped you?? Fuck that, you wanted it." I didn't mention rape. He said it. He knew it.

All of this information was like having a load of cement dumped right on top of me. Prior to this experience, I had only had sex with one person, one time, and it was over a year before this. I was in the worst state of confusion imaginable to me at that moment. I had two problems to deal with...first of all, I got drunk. I allowed myself to drink enough to completely lose any and all inhibitions and to make incredibly poor decisions. Second of all, a completely sober man had sex with an entirely intoxicated woman. I couldn't decide if I was a dumb ass who brought this on myself or if I was the victim of rape. When the verdict finally came in, I had decided I was a dumb ass and ultimately did this to myself. It was a horrible decision I made to judge myself so harshly.

The following 4 months were the darkest of my life. In a powerful whirlpool of self-hate, I self destructed with reckless abandon. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and feeling like I was looking at a stranger. "You're absolutely beautiful," I would tell myself out loud, "but you're empty. There's nothing to you. You're sad, you're lonely, you're hurt, and you hate yourself." It was the strangest feeling to look at myself, peer deep into my eyes, and speak such hateful disgusting words. I absolutely believed them, though.

It took moving out of state and working 24/7 in the wilderness, focusing on helping an adolescent boy work through some serious emotional issues to pull me out of this self-loathing. Yet it still took about a year before I could look in the mirror and truly see myself.

At that point in life, I got married, thinking I had it all figured out and was healed. Unfortunately I married a narcissistic man who broke me down to suit his own selfish purposes. I'm not making any excuses, but the 3 years I was married were extremely taxing on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I was completely caught off guard, and another cycle of reckless abandon ensued. This time it wasn't necessarily self-loathing. This time it was self-apathy. I feel like life has stopped. My progress stopped. My motivation stopped. My emotions slowed way down. My healthy habits stopped. My faith in love halted. My face in the mirror lost its soul again.

At least this time I know what is going on. I just need to be able to forgive myself for whatever it is that is attracting me to holding onto the hate, apathy, and disgust. So, how can I forgive myself the way I am able to forgive others? I think I'm missing a part of forgiveness...instead of releasing the offense into the universe to be disposed of, I'm forgiving the other person and holding the accountability on my shoulders. That's a lot of garbage to be carrying around.

I think making a list of the garbage, hand on my heart, and saying out loud, "I forgive you," may actually work. I'm sure it will take time, a lot of time, but the healing has to be possible. One thing I absolutely believe is that the thorns in life aren't to hurt us, but to give us something to climb on...to reach greater heights and depth as an individual....to increase our understanding and empathy for others. I may fall, and I may fall hard or in the same exact way as I fell before, but Lord help me, I will never quit looking for a way to climb past those thorns.

So tonight I am going to forgive myself...



The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

~Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Deep thoughts

Here are a couple exerpts from another blog I was checking out today... Lonely Roads and Psycho Paths.

There are certain sounds the earth makes that let you know you're exactly where you're supposed to be. If you listen closely, if you pay attention, you can actually hear: The universe sighing.

"You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost."
-Howard Jones

Patchwork Quilt

I was reading some other blogs today, and really liked one of them... http://seveninchesofsense.mu.nu/. Here's an exerpt from one of her entries...boy is she a powerful writer.

"I do have a hole in my heart. Many of them actually. And I cherish every single one of them. Each of those holes is there because I ripped pieces of myself out and gave them to people I have loved along the way...family, friends, lovers, boyfriends. And for the rest of their lives, no matter what the circumstance, that piece of me belongs to them and them alone. And in turn, they gave me pieces of their hearts that I carry with me proudly. If I could show it to you, it would look like a patchwork quilt that has been carefully woven. And while it may not all fit together perfectly and it might not be shiny and whole...the beauty is in the flaws."

Her words hit a very strong moral fiber of mine...that as Alfred, Lord Tennyson said, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I have been belittled and demeaned for my continual faith in love and willingness to give it away so freely. My ex-husband thought me a fool for leaving such a tender heart so unguarded. So, I commemorate Joan (seveninchesofsense) for being a fellow fool... When the time comes for us to set our lives on the balance, there will be no deficit when it comes to giving love.

All Mixed Up

Guys confuse the hell out of me. Not any one of them in particular.... I'm actually going to generalize this statement to about 75% of the guys I've ever dated. That may be a conservative number.

And for the record, I really appreciate the 25% who weren't confusing. You were concise about what you wanted, and whether I agreed with it or not, at least I knew.

Back to the confusion...

Don't tell a girl you want a laid back relationship without the committment then get all pissed off when you realize she actually heard what you said and is willing to go with it. Push your clit aside and let your balls drop. You have nothing to get all jealous and sensitive over if she kisses another dude or two at a stupid ass New Years party. We're not even a "thing," remember?!?!

I've always vowed I'd never become the convenient girlfriend. The convenient girlfriend compromises what she wants out of life and a relationship to appease the guy (or girl) that she's dating. Without going into any details that would add annoying length to this blog, I've realized I'm the convenient girlfriend. It's so completely apparent, because according to the other person, I'm not even the girlfriend. But we act like it is that kind of relationship. At least it feels that way often enough to confuse the hell out of me. So WTF?

All I know is that I don't want to end up down the road 6 months or a year later and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. Though I'm not ready right now, I would like to remarry and have a chill little family. I would love to have that stability in my life. If I'm not getting any closer to that desire I have, what the hell am I doing?? Am I smart enough to handle this situation in a healthy way?

And as long as I'm venting... If we are on a first date and I don't make a lot of eye contact with you, touch your arm, shoulder, or leg, or give you "the look," DON'T THINK YOUR ASS CAN GET ALL CUDDLY AND AFFECTIONATE WITH ME. Get a grip on your hormones and take a minute to think about what's really going on. If you're not interested in talking and making an investment in building up some trust in the relationship, move the hell along. I don't need you, and I sure as hell don't want you wasting my time. And don't be a needy, pussy kind of guy. Lame.

Man, I sound bitchy. I've just dealt with some major dumb asses lately, and it's getting old. That's what I get for participating in online dating, I guess.

**Update:**
Relationships 1, 2, and 3 mentioned above are all essentially OVER. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Back to the basics...

There are few things in this life that induce a feeling of peace for me. And I've lost touch with even those few things.

• Yoga
• Camping or simply spending time in the wilderness
• Essential Oils
• Yerba Mate
• Prayer
• Sunrise
• Sunset
• Service
• Self-Love
• Accomplishments

It is my intention to get back to these basics...to take time by myself, for myself. The half-hippie side of me has gone neglected far too long.