Let it go...

I've been tossing around a lot of thoughts lately regarding my relationship with myself.

I have a fairly easy time dealing with other people, even people that I know who really don't like me. I recognize that this is their issue, not mine. Even my ex-husband, who can be the world's biggest ass, will not have the privilege of corroding my heart with any grudges. I choose to let it go.

When it comes to myself, however, I have a horrible time forgiving. I went to a training/seminar on Saturday, and got some good ideas on forgiving, though this wasn't the topic for the seminar. The presenter is a very successful personal coach...Mr. Duncan. One of the ideas he gave us was to make a list before you go to bed of the things you need to forgive yourself for...

...not calling a friend that came to mind throughout the day, not getting to bed when you had planned, swearing at another driver who was going too slow, smoking too many cigarettes, not returning your mom's call, putting off mailing a package, thinking you're too fat, forgetting to acknowledge God, etc.

There are so many more that are too personal for me to put on this blog. After writing all of these things down, saying out loud, with your hand on your chest, "I forgive you." It sounds a little bit too good to be true, but I think the simplicity of it poses the possibility of profound impact.

When I was younger, my mom had a dear friend who was struggling with really serious alcohol and drug addictions. When her friend's husband would look at his drunken wife with disgust, my mom would help her into the shower and get her cleaned up. My mom is a remarkable woman. I wish I felt I could trust her to help get me "cleaned up" sometimes...no one wants to disappoint their mom, though. Anyway, my mom would make her friend look in a mirror and say out loud, "I love you. You are a beautiful daughter of God, and I love you." Every so often my mom would have me do this too. I thought it was somewhat ridiculous when I was younger, but I'm glad she did it.

Just over 5 years ago, a man raped me. It was after a softball game in Phoenix. I was 22, and he was 29. The age difference doesn't seem like much, but in my opinion, there is a huge difference in life experience between 22 and 29. After the game, we went to a bar to have some drinks. This guy (I'll call him Jason, since I've never had a good relationship with a Jason) was our next-door neighbor and had actually come to watch my roommate play softball, but as he walked down the 3rd base fence line, I could see him eyeing me. Girls can tell what a guy is thinking when he looks at her. And I knew lustful eyes were looking at me. So, at the bar, Jason was flirting with my roommate, and she was being a little too coy to keep his attention. We bought a pitcher of beer and split it between a few of us girls on the team. Jason wasn't drinking, and when we asked him why not, he said beer made his stomach hurt. He proceeded to buy us a few more pitchers. When I drink, I get way too friendly, and since my friend wasn't responding to his efforts, he quite naturally turned his focus to me.

A few hours later, I had pissed off my friend enough by flirting with this guy (kisses, crotch grabbing, etc. ... pretty blatant flirting) that she told him to take me home. (I'm half-pissed at her for sending me home drunk with this guy.) Mind you, he's still stone ass sober, and I'm practically falling all over myself, shit-faced drunk. So I walk out to his truck with him and tell him I want to go 4-wheeling. He starts driving north, and at this point, I lose my awareness of what is going on. All I remember is the truck being pulled over, laying on the seat, and Jason going down on me then saying we should go back to his place. The next thing I remember is walking into his house (where he lived with his mom) very quietly so we wouldn't wake her up. Then I remember going to the bathroom and holding my head in my hands, feeling like shit. I vaguely remember getting into his bed, and the rest is a mystery to me.

When we woke up in the morning, I was naked and in one of those states of confusion...where the hell am I?? What happened last night? He got ready for work and we walked out to his truck so he could take me back to my car. The worst part of the morning was that his mom waited for us to walk out before she would go to work so she could come out and see this girl her boy brought home. I was so embarrassed. He took me to my car, and I went home, feeling dazed, confused, and extremely hung over.

Later that day I realized I had left my Drivers License in his truck, so I called to find out when I could get that from him. During our conversation I asked him what had happened the night before. He laughed at me like that was the stupidest question a person could ever ask and said, "You know what happened." Feeling a little foolish, I said, "No, I don't. I'd appreciate you telling me, because I don't remember." He proceeded to tell me that when we were driving in his truck I had given him a blow job, then he pulled over so he could go down on me. He said that when we went back to his place we started to fool around and I kept yelling "fuck me!!" over and over. He said I begged him to do me in the ass but he didn't feel like it. When I mentioned that I was completely drunk and he was completely sober and that it didn't seem right to me, he said, "What? You think I fucking raped you?? Fuck that, you wanted it." I didn't mention rape. He said it. He knew it.

All of this information was like having a load of cement dumped right on top of me. Prior to this experience, I had only had sex with one person, one time, and it was over a year before this. I was in the worst state of confusion imaginable to me at that moment. I had two problems to deal with...first of all, I got drunk. I allowed myself to drink enough to completely lose any and all inhibitions and to make incredibly poor decisions. Second of all, a completely sober man had sex with an entirely intoxicated woman. I couldn't decide if I was a dumb ass who brought this on myself or if I was the victim of rape. When the verdict finally came in, I had decided I was a dumb ass and ultimately did this to myself. It was a horrible decision I made to judge myself so harshly.

The following 4 months were the darkest of my life. In a powerful whirlpool of self-hate, I self destructed with reckless abandon. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and feeling like I was looking at a stranger. "You're absolutely beautiful," I would tell myself out loud, "but you're empty. There's nothing to you. You're sad, you're lonely, you're hurt, and you hate yourself." It was the strangest feeling to look at myself, peer deep into my eyes, and speak such hateful disgusting words. I absolutely believed them, though.

It took moving out of state and working 24/7 in the wilderness, focusing on helping an adolescent boy work through some serious emotional issues to pull me out of this self-loathing. Yet it still took about a year before I could look in the mirror and truly see myself.

At that point in life, I got married, thinking I had it all figured out and was healed. Unfortunately I married a narcissistic man who broke me down to suit his own selfish purposes. I'm not making any excuses, but the 3 years I was married were extremely taxing on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I was completely caught off guard, and another cycle of reckless abandon ensued. This time it wasn't necessarily self-loathing. This time it was self-apathy. I feel like life has stopped. My progress stopped. My motivation stopped. My emotions slowed way down. My healthy habits stopped. My faith in love halted. My face in the mirror lost its soul again.

At least this time I know what is going on. I just need to be able to forgive myself for whatever it is that is attracting me to holding onto the hate, apathy, and disgust. So, how can I forgive myself the way I am able to forgive others? I think I'm missing a part of forgiveness...instead of releasing the offense into the universe to be disposed of, I'm forgiving the other person and holding the accountability on my shoulders. That's a lot of garbage to be carrying around.

I think making a list of the garbage, hand on my heart, and saying out loud, "I forgive you," may actually work. I'm sure it will take time, a lot of time, but the healing has to be possible. One thing I absolutely believe is that the thorns in life aren't to hurt us, but to give us something to climb on...to reach greater heights and depth as an individual....to increase our understanding and empathy for others. I may fall, and I may fall hard or in the same exact way as I fell before, but Lord help me, I will never quit looking for a way to climb past those thorns.

So tonight I am going to forgive myself...



The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

~Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)